I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
