at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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