Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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