Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
