no, he came in my armpit
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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