If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
