Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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