he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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