he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There r osticjed everywhere
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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