loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
