I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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