I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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