yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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