i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
