I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
