i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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