You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
