hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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