matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
