I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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