im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I wish there were birth control emojis
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
