what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
