Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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