I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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