I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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