i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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