the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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