Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
