We need to rekindle our bromance
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
