He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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