just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Randomize
