capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
