I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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