My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
