I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize