it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
