i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
