My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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