She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
