i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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