Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
as a side note pls kill me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
