Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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