I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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