I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm too high and old for this...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize