i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A bitchslap is in order.
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