it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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