Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize