the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
