mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
