I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
