I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
