seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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