it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
