So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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