My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
