According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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