I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
