Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
