I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
