I think I won the penis lottery.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
