theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
