just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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