phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
