Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
