That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
