broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
