drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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