Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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