my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize