new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
