how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
