from now on my penis is your penis
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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