he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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