but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
